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| Image taken from Slate.com |
I sent a message to a friend a few days ago after watching the news of the 5 year old girl brutally raped in Delhi and asked her who in their right mind would want to bring a child into this world when humanity has reached levels of such depravity. Reading the statistics of related cases in India brought a chill to my spine- rate complaints increased 25% between 2006 and 2011 and it's really impossible to know whether even these statistics are accurate as I'm sure most of the cases still go unreported. Having lived in India for only 6 years between the ages of 10 to 16 it is still mind boggling for me to think back to the number of incidents I remember being told of of what I now know to be sexual harassment and assault. It was common for young girls to be propositioned by elderly "uncles" in the elevator, to have a leery watchman or driver in the building, or in some particularly sad cases, be molested by brothers or fathers of friends, or more often than not, by their own relatives. It was something we spoke of amongst each other when we were younger but it is horrifying for me to think that while we knew something was wrong, at no point did any of us think to approach anyone older to talk about it. While I was very fortunate to not be at the receiving end of anything more grave than what I deem sadly to be "regular" harassment for India standards, it still took me 6 years after that of being away to boarding school and college to realize the change of attitude, to sense something was different. Don't get me wrong- rape and anything associated with it was always a threat even in the US. What was different however was that any form of sexual predatorship was looked upon as the abnormality, not the norm. The men had not been sexually repressed so male-female interactions on a day to day basis were more relaxed and less guarded. Female students (as were male ones in fact) were encouraged to, after dark, use a service on campus where you had someone walk you back to your dorm or mode of transport. And more importantly, the conversation between the students and the faculty was more open and educative- if you're alone in a parking lot make sure you have your key out to use as a weapon if someone attacks you! Only get into marked taxis and ones that you've phoned for! Always call a friend from a cab and give them the license plate of the one you're in! I was prepared for the world out there and had a safe environment in which to communicate if something was even slightly off.
A few years ago, after returning from University and living in Dubai, I was uncomfortable at the behavior of my Gardner at home and his what I deemed to be leery ways. I conveyed the same to my Mother and requested her to let go of him. Even then I wondered if I was overreacting as he'd merely just stop his work every time I'd walk by and stare at me.. Or would find any excuse to come talk to me or generally give me very uncomfortable vibes. But then I thought to myself, a walk to my car every morning shouldn't make me be wary of my surroundings, or in fact, downright uncomfortable and figured women's intuition is the best radar I've been blessed with so it's better to be safe than sorry. Luckily for me my Mother respected my wishes despite thinking them ridiculous, had him replaced. Strangely enough a close friend now is being harassed by her gardener who is stalking her and is convinced he loves her and she him and that they are meant to be married. She's had to change her phone number because of him and can't be alone in or around her house at any time and the gardener himself has gone in and out of jail a few times because of this. We joke and tease her about it but really, it is no laughing matter.
My advice to all parents out there- TALK TO YOUR KIDS. If they (your male and female offspring) are in the least bit bothered or uncomfortable by the presence of anyone NO MATTER HOW INCONVENIENT IT IS TO YOU, do something about it! Let them know it's not ok for ANYONE including the staff at home, older kids on the school bus or even friends or relatives to violate their personal space! And most importantly- APPLY THE SAME RULES TO YOURSELF! I've heard of many cases where well educated female friends even till date do not speak out about harassment they face for fear of embarrassment, shame or just not wanting to draw unwanted attention to themselves.
This brings me to the second point of my post. I've been watching the news and salute the women who are leaving their homes, taking to the streets, braving the wrath of cops and protesting about the state of women in India- Delhi in particular. Yet, it would be over simplifying the problem if we merely point to mens' appendages and pronounce them to be weapons of mass destruction and look upon each male as a threat. The problem sadly, also stems from parenting of said Indian male, of whom sadly, the one primarily responsible is the mother- yes, a woman. Even in well educated Indian homes the mother dotes on her son as being her Raja beta who can do no wrong. In more affluent of Indian homes the parents may allow their daughter a bit more freedom and may agree to send her away from home to boarding school or college, but their expectations of what the girl will do with the degree is very skewed. I know Indian women who have gone to schools like Harvard and UPenn but whose parents still look upon their "settling down" (ie: getting married) as the most important "accomplishment" of their daughter. I can narrate stories of female friends' mothers who have encouraged them to dress more provocatively or given them tips on how they should have their one particular (usually wealthy and from the same community) male friend look at them as "more than a friend." In fact, I cannot think of a single female friend who after college did not receive pressure from their parents, usually their mother, to get married. I don't know of too many male friends who faced the same problem.
I remember back to the days in college when my girl friends would complain about not being allowed to go out late at night while their brothers were able to come home whenever they wanted. Mind you, it was not a question of safety- it was just a question of different standards being applied to the raising of the different sexes. Is it surprising that a nation that has a ban on sex determination during pregnancy has a rape problem?? Forget about female infanticide, I do not know of any Indian marriages, including those of close friends, where some sort of "dowry" did not exchange hands. Whether it's a Patek watch for the boy, or Sabyasachi saris for the to-be Mother in Law and other female relatives, a "give and take" is natural, normal and what's "done." I live in Dubai and have heard of many a story of what husbands of society darlings' get up to after hours. The question has always remained- do the wives know? For most, I don't have the answer, but for some I do and I wonder what their motivation to stay in the marriage is. The kids? The money? I know of one recently divorced Indian woman in Dubai who decided to throw a party one evening. Yes, evening and not afternoon, and yes her "friends" and their husbands were invited. I don't know the woman in question personally, but she was the talk of the town (or a at least parts of town, namely Emirates Hills) merely because she dared to invite men. "She got divorced, now she must be after our husbands," was the general thought process going around, and when I commented on how ridiculous that idea was, I got a, "but you don't know what she's like!" Hopefully, if you're reading this and are of rational thought, you will see the problem with this argument.
Maybe because I was raised in an all women household for the most part (I do not have a brother and my Father was traveling the world through most of my childhood) I do not face a lot of gender differentiation staring me in the face daily on the home front. I joined my family business immediately after college and that probably explains why I didn't face any discrimination for being a female at work either. Also being financially independent also puts me in a very fortunate position of not having to rely on a husband to provide for me or "take care" of me in the future. I realize all of this. I also realize that I'm very blessed to be the 3rd child (hence the most liberally raised) to a Mother who stressed on the importance of education and a work ethic over finding a husband, and a Father who was convinced I was meant to be a boy and looked upon me as the son he never had. I grew up a tomboy sharing my Father's watches and oftentimes, much to his joy and amusement, his clothes and was never made to feel I couldn't do anything because I was a girl, unless of course it was my direct safety they were concerned about- like coming home alone late at night. In fact when my Father passed away in 2002 I insisted on performing the final rites (an act reserved for a boy) which I was allowed to also ironically because I wasn't married. Not that I'm saying my upbringing was perfect- I'm merely stating though that because of multiple factors in my life I'm possibly more affected and able to see the absurdity in the way most Indian households handle the dynamics between their men and women. Or maybe I am maybe more affected by it than I realize as my parents had me after a 6 year gap after my second sister (and 8 years after the eldest) as they probably hoped for a son.. in fact they'd picked out a name for him- Kiran. My Father was away in fact at a temple in India while my Mother gave birth to me and when he returned to Bombay he was greeted by his brother who gave him the news of my birth and then said to him, "bad news... it's another girl." Maybe subconsciously I feel so strongly against gender discrimination as although I can't remember facing it outright, my very existence seems to be defined by it.
I don't mean to offend anyone by this article.. quite the opposite. I am not a bra-burning feminist- if you know me, you'll know I'm quite the opposite and am a hopeless romantic if there ever was one! I however do hope you pause for a few moments after reading this, especially if you're a woman, especially if I know you personally, and think about the issue we as a culture are facing. I don't think India merely has a rape problem, but it has a serious gender problem that has permeated our being at all different levels of society, however well educated or however affluent. It is sad to see it happen, but it is sadder yet to see people mindlessly put up posts on Facebook about the shock and horror they feel hearing about the rapes taking place in India. While they may not have a solution, and I'm not even saying there is one!.. I just wish they'd pause for a moment and think that maybe, just maybe, they may be a teeny tiny part of the problem.
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1 comment:
Awesome job, Kiran - and hit the nail bang on the head. We are all, like it or not, part of the problem and I believe women are most responsible for the problem because the key lies in how we raise our children. You talked about the issue from a daughter's perspective; I'd like to offer my two-bit as a mother of a 22-year old boy and a 17-year old girl.
I am a passionate parent who has given a lot of thought to raising my children, used immense self-control along the way and learned many valuable lessons in the process. My husband and I have very often disagreed on my parenting beliefs but seeing our children today makes both of us proud. Looking around, however, it sometimes frustrates me that people cannot see how their every decision, action and word gives lifelong messages to children, either making them wonderful human beings or scarring them for life.
There are many so-called progressive families where women (as wives and mothers) are not seen as strong, decisive individuals who should be respected by the family, especially by the son. Husbands head the family - and I am fine with that - but when children see a mother as weak, voiceless, unassertive or without a defined personality, they never see her as a breathing, living, feeling PERSON. Is it surprising that such homes spawn men who are incapable of empathising with other women's feelings, needs or sensitivities? Whether it is a man passing a lewd comment on a woman on the street, or one feeling up another on a bus or one who mercilessly sticks a candle in a 5-year old's vagina - they all have weak, voiceless mothers back home. Their world has a decidedly male perspective that only sees a woman as fulfilling a purpose - cook, clean, quietly serve and disappear. When children see that sort of mother, they only see the utility she serves, not the individual nature of every soul on this earth. But when a woman, educated or not, rich or not, blessed with a loving husband or not, CHOOSES to assert herself and tell her family what she is going through, how their actions affect her, what she would like and how they should behave so that she feels happy while slaving for them all day - she has set the tone for a daughter who will take no crap and a son who has empathy for all women.
I really wish more amongst us would introspect so that we can start cleaning up India's sexual issues from the very place they are born - in our own homes.
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