Last Kiss Goodnight...

I don't really remember when I started my good night ritual. Perhaps it was on my permanent return home from college that started it, or perhaps I did it in my younger years and just don't quite remember. Right before I head off into my room at night, I'd lean over to each parent and make them kiss me good night. "Enforced chummi" (kiss) my late Father used to call it. "What if I don't feel like kissing you tonight?"he'd ask. "Tough,"I'd say and as I always did with him, would get my way. Sometimes my cheek was met with affection, sometimes with a quick kiss and moved aside if my head blocked a particularly interesting movie or TV show on the telly, and sometimes my cheek was just left unkissed and ignored. This was/is usually done by my Mother and is the ultimate show of anger. "I'm too angry with you to kiss you good night," that signals. "I'm too pissed off with you right now and know how much this will bother you but I really want to signal my anger across anyway," is what it really means. And on the really, really rare occasion, I won't lean in and motion for a kiss at all. "I don't care if you kiss me good night," is what it signals. "You know how much this action means to me and yet I won't even ask for it, so you can only imagine how upset with you I am," it says. Yes, a tiny little gesture can communicate so very much.
"What if I don't wake up tomorrow?"was given by way of explanation, "Or what if you don't," I'd tell my Mother at the rare instance she'd refuse to partake in my nightly ritual. "Do you really want either one of us to not remember our last interaction with each other?"My mother would then roll her eyes at what she viewed as the over dramatization of crazy thoughts that ran through my mind. The last kiss goodnight to me meant that no matter how bad we fought that day, we'd by a small action proverbially raise a white flag and make peace- at least for the night. It meant that no matter what, I was loved. It meant that no matter how badly I may have, or you think I may have behaved, I'm sorry. Mind you I have no qualms slamming a door shut having had a fight, or going off for a drive in a huff or parting a variety of fights in a variety of different circumstances at various times of the day without worrying about parting words. Yet there was always this thought that consumed me- If either one doesn't survive this night, we'd always have parted having shown we loved each other, and most importantly, having made peace.
Then one day in April in 2002, I woke up to the day I'd never see my Father alive again. My father was supposed to be sent out of the ICU that day in fact, but early that morning decided to instead leave us forever. I don't remember the night before clearly, but I remember it being late at night and me asking my Mother if it was too late for me to sneak into the ICU and see my dad. She had probably said to try anyway, and I remember distinctly walking towards his room. My last conversation with him is completely lost in my memory (which is strange as I remember his last words to me that afternoon as if it was yesterday- "The show must go on") as is any interaction with him that evening. I only remember that he was sleeping and I woke him up only to, you guessed it, have him give me one last kiss goodnight.

Over the years I've had spats with friends and loved ones and while it completely makes sense that sometimes their normal reaction is to "want space"or to "give it some time" or "take a break" my request is always to sort the issue out then and there. To hell with going to sleep sad, mad or upset I say... stay up and fight!! I recently had a conversation with a friend who explained they thought it was better to not fight and say hurtful things in the moment that couldn't be taken back, but rather let both people involved cool down and then come to the table. "What? So you'd rather leave things unsaid and let people stay upset in the time being?" I asked, clearly horrified. "Just smooth things out then and there," I say having visions of me not being able to sleep at night.  At least whichever way things go you'll end the day knowing where you stand is my thought process. I hate going to sleep with a weight on my chest, and I think the more the person matters, the more it matters to me to "make things ok." Making things ok doesn't mean giving in, it means coming to a solution sooner rather than later as I hate letting hurt or angry feelings linger. Each time a friend, lover or parent has walked out on an argument I've always felt... well... abandoned for lack of a better word. I think most of us would like to "go" peacefully in our sleep if we could, so why not end the day having made peace with all around us? Even if making peace means letting go.
Weird, perhaps. But that's just me, and you know what? For the most part, it allows me to sleep like a baby.


L